Relationship Compatibility

How much we learn over time!  In my 50+ years I have often wondered about relationship compatibility.

I can remember during the early dating years of my 20's hearing the much-bantered term "compatibility".  What was that, really?  I wondered.  It was a question that would stay with me to this day.  For years I accumulated information that eventually formulated a better understanding of it.

My latest foray into the adventure of relationships has once again added to my evolving understanding of  compatibility.  It has been my observation that compatibility occurs on multiple levels.  Today I'd like to suggest that these levels can be understood as physical, mental, emotional and sexual/spiritual.

It is my premise, that if compatibility is too far off in any one level the relationship is destined for pain and heartache and certain struggle.

Wikipedia defines Interpersonal Compatibility as follows:
Interpersonal compatibility is a concept that describes the long-term interaction between two or more individuals in terms of the ease and comfort of communication.

The article takes a deeper look at components of psychological theory but for the purposes of this article I will keep the ideas as simple as possible.

PHYSICAL COMPATIBILITY
I have found that physical compatibility begins with a physical attraction.  When I first started dating again, in my 40's I had to confront a ridiculous idea that accepting my physical preferences in potential mates was somehow shallow.


Since I ventured into the world of online dating, I had to admit that no one would even know if I looked simply for what was physically pleasing to me.  It didn't take long to realize that physical attraction wasn't shallow.  It was simple one part of determining compatibility and the longterm potential for happiness.

MENTAL COMPATIBILITY
Another aspect that increases the likelihood of happiness is a similarity in mental ability.  Now, I have learned that mental compatibility includes a vast number of components.  It includes innate intelligence, common sense, communication skills, and what I've been told is called "lag time".  


Lag time is the time it takes between a verbal comment and a response.  Of course, I'd never have learned about it if I hadn't been in a longterm relationship where the difference in the speed at which we each processed information hadn't been so obvious.  Being the one on the speedier side of the equation, I found myself often thinking "spit it out!"  Obviously not very conducive to warm and loving feelings between partners.


I've also learned that, although I have a huge heart with the ability to find the good in most, equal levels of innate intelligence and common sense can be critical factors in compatibility, too.  And, they are not the same.  Some people are highly intelligent, some have a high degree of common sense, and some have both.  Figuring out where you fit and how well matched you are with your potential mate is something to look at closely.

SOCIAL COMPATIBILITY
Perhaps an easier trait to examine, or perhaps one more commonly addressed is the social aspect of people.  Most people are aware of whether they recharge their batteries by being around people or in quiet, more solitary activities.  If you're interested in looking at introversion and extroversion tendencies, I would suggest the Myers-Briggs Trait Inventory...of course, that appeals to my level of mental stimulation which may not suit you at all!


SEXUAL/SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY
For many, many people the first four aspects I've covered are enough to determine compatibility but I would venture to include one more for your consideration.  This is one that I call sexual/spiritual.  Now I understand that for some of you, linking these two together may give you pause.  For others of you it may stop you dead in your tracks.  But from my perspective, as a holistic nurse who is used to dealing with the very nature of our biology and its intimate link to the unseen world beyond this one, I find them quite related.


Of course, I'm not talking about religion or religious beliefs here and if you haven't separated them from spirituality I would encourage you to invest some time there first.  What I am talking about is the energetic connection between our sexual-biological urges and the creative impulse.


The areas of interest for me evolved from years of spiritual exploration and practice.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with my background, I was raised Catholic...yes the whole parochial school thing for eight years...and have spent much of my life exploring eastern and western spiritual teachings, yoga and meditation.  In the late 80's I had a life altering spiritual awakening which catapulted me into the world of holistic nursing.

My nursing practice trained me to recognize human response patterns and to see health challenges as signs of expanding consciousness and I soon began to realize just how much we didn't know about the deeper spiritual nature of our selves.

That said, sexual and spiritual compatibility are topics that can be better addressed in further posts.  Suffice it to say that everything from the way we approach sexuality to the depth of our own spiritual consciousness affect our compatibility in relationships.

EMOTIONAL COMPATIBILITY
For those of you who noticed I moved from mental to social compatibility, skipping right over the emotional, you might find it interesting to know I was surprised to reach the end of my article and find I hadn't addressed the most recent insight I've learned.

The emotional makeup of people is likely as varied as any characteristic.  Given that many people are averse to dealing with emotions it makes sense that this area of compatibility can cause the most confusion and wreak the most havoc on relationships.

Emotions are a difficult topic for many.  Our families either expressed or didn't express emotion.  And, we were all wounded at this level at some point in our lives.  For those of us who are aware of our wounding, the variety of responses to that are myriad.  Some willingly admit it but won't deal with it.  Others never talk about it though they're aware of the deep pain.  My father falls into this category.  Still others are regular emotional adventurers who delve deeply into the recesses of the mind and enjoy the spelunking.  One of my favorite jokes goes....What do intelligence and 4-wheel drive have in common?  They both get stuck in even more remote locations!

Okay, so now you have a feel for my sense of humor and hence, my emotional preference.  Finding an emotionally compatible mate has never been easy for me.  First of all, most men are taught to bury their feelings from the time they are wee little.  Secondly, their ability to understand, yet alone navigate or, even more unlikely, be able to comprehend a partner's emotional motivation is less likely.  And in the rarer scenario, where a male partner has the awareness and ability to synthesize this amorphous territory, there conclusion may or may not support your higher evolution.

The toughest part of the emotional journey is that intimate relationships tend to strip away our defensive covering and lay our hearts bare, exposing our softest, gentlest most sensitive underbelly and hearts.

Seeking out compatible relationships is not for the faint of heart.

Interestingly, the Wikipedia article mentioned above has brought to my attention yet one other factor related to emotional compatibility.  That of the nature of 'complementary' behaviors that fall into two dimensions....specifically the submissive/dominance dimension and the hostile/friendly dimension or warmth.  Basically, the idea is that each behavior invites a certain response from the other.  The behavior and response are said to be complementary.

The surprising thing is that friendly behavior begets friendly behavior but dominant behavior begets submissive behavior.  Now, I don't know about you, but I am both trained and sensitive to natural laws and find it much more comfortable to respond in a complementary fashion.

If the initial behavior invites a natural response from the second person that matches the second person's goals then the second person is satisfied.

The problem is that I am drawn to more dominant men but have lived the bulk of my life in a dominant role.  Always a teacher never a graduate?  It will take a unique man to be a compatible match for me.

People tell me it will happen when I least expect it...well, that could be any time now because when compatibility is too far off in any one level....well, let's just say I'm not sure I can expect emotional compatibility to happen in my lifetime without pain and heartache and certain struggle.

In the mean time I will continue to value the journey and social adventure of relationships and hold tight to my belief in this quote from the Tao Te Ching:

When opposites no longer damage each other, both are benefited through the attainment of Tao...

Therefore, the wise identifies opposites as one, and sets an example for the world. --- Tao Te Ching

Or perhaps it is as my friend Tim so gently said "we live by simple rules...don't expect what you yourself cannot deliver."

Living on the Other Side

Many of us have been on a spiritual path since before we can remember.  Born into a Roman Catholic family, I was baptized and began my early spiritual training before I could talk or walk.  At the age of 14 I had completed 8 years of Catholic school and attended Mass six days a week for that entire time.  Hmmm....that equates to something like 1,928 days of church.

Somewhere during the middle school years I began questioning..first it was some of the doctrine.  Then, it was why we couldn't experience God outside of church.  You know, why did we have to go to church?  If God was everywhere, wouldn't he know if we spent an hour with him...say, from bed?

Those of you familiar with Vatican II, which ran from 1962 to 1965, may remember those days when many church rules were changed or completely eliminated.  The celebrant turned to face the people, meat was no longer forbidden on Fridays, and we were, startlingly allowed to actually touch the host during the sacrament of Communion.

These changes brought other things to the surface that I had been taught over the years.  Like, why would babies be born in countries where they could not be introduced to God and baptized into the Church so they could go to heaven?

Several years ago, my friend Roberta reminded me how we had raised the ire of our local pastor one day when we decided to knock on his door and ask him?  As she recalls it, he became red-faced and could barely keep spittle from flying out of his mouth as he raised his voice and, essentially, ran us out of his house.  I don't actually remember this but I'm sure it was something we would have done.

After moving out of my parents' home in the mid-70's I found myself on another path exploring Eastern religions, yoga and meditation.  I studied runes and the Tao.  I attended programs with Tibetan monks who chanted and read philosophy.  As I approached my 21st birthday I remember experiences that opened me up to learning about chakras and my own intuitive nature.

In the late 80's I volunteered at the Houston Center for Attitudinal Healing and taught workshops on perception, emotions, and finding meaning and purpose in life.  I attended a 10-day

Vipassana meditation in western Massachusetts where we took a vow of silence for the duration.  In 1989 I had a spiritual  death and re-birth experience from which I emerged a different person.

During the 90's I began training as a holistic nurse and became certified in 2000 just as my marriage was ending.  I taught workshops on holistic nursing and began coaching others who found themselves navigating transitions in life and dealing with spiritual awakening.  I continued to work in the hospital part time and began to see health challenges as episodes of emerging consciousness.

As the years progressed I began to wonder why there was so little information available on living life beyond the point of first awakening.  Most of the literature, even today, seems to be about getting people to begin to reflect and search for meaning in life and getting past the struggle of unconscious living.  Very little seems to speak to life on the other side of awakening.

Somewhere in the past ten years, I grew weary of the external voices of authority that dictate things I already practice.  What of a life that is sourced from a deep sense of connectedness to all things?  Is it too 'crazy' to write from the center of our soul?  To share with others our experiences of a life by Design?

What would happen if we all lived from our truest self.  If we shared that self with one another?  Would we find our tribe?  Our soul mates?  Our community?

Could we unify our focus and shift our energy to a higher state of being?

Could we allow life to create by Design?

I wonder...

Our Zone of Genius

What do we do when we find ourselves perched on the plateau? So much of our lives are lived in the highs and lows of emotion...

...We're satisfied with this, not satisfied with that.

But, what of the neutral zone? That place where life stalls and we find ourselves leveling out...motivation falls away...no urgency to 'do' anything...nothing pulling at us.  We're not exactly content but then we're not disappointed either.

If we are lucky enough to find this spot it may feel a bit uncomfortable at first.  We're so used to having too much on our plates.  The Christmas break afforded me some wonderful, unstructured time.  It was time spent doing what I wanted.  Relaxing.  Enjoying the Christmas holiday.  Preparing meals and treats with my partner, Richard.

When I returned to work this past Tuesday I was surprisingly sensitive to the aggressive energy I felt as I merged onto the freeway.  I knew this energy was no different than before the break but somehow my own skin had thinned and it buffeted me around a bit.

December had been a challenging month with my Dad's stroke and my cat losing weight.  My emotions were a lot closer to the surface and I felt raw.  However, merging onto the freeway, I was not so sure I was ready to put up the hard defenses that I had carried around the past year.  What if I just softened my shell a bit and eased into the world from a new perspective?

Everyone needs a certain level of activity in their lives.  But there is a distinction between activity and frenzy and aggression.  Most of us never find that place where peacefulness settles in.  And if we do it seems to create a certain anxiety. 

Navigating to a place where peacefulness exists seems to somehow take away the need and desire for action.  If we can get to that place we often label it as boredom.  But what if we realized that place as the space of pure potential.  A space where our energy could be directed or channeled into a creative direction of our own.

The challenge of being in this space is that we don't usually feel like being creative.  At least not for a while.  We so rarely arrive here that it is as if our body, mind and spirit long for a regenerative rest.  In this place we seem to just observe where we are and what we are doing.  Our energy lulls and seems to simple sit quietly in a pool of self contemplation.

Last Monday I had the opportunity of spending the better part of the day alone.  My guests were gone and my son wouldn't return until evening.  I had the wonderful awareness that 2010 might be more enjoyable if I could learn to be more conscious of how I managed my energy.

So, for the remainder of the day I simply observed how my energy felt.  When I was tired, I slept.  When I was hungry, I ate.  When I remembered something I needed to do, I did it.  No plans.  No urgency.  No worry.

As the week wore on, I had more opportunities to observe how I managed my energy.  This weekend I found myself sitting on the plateau.  No urgency to do anything.  I knew there were things I "should" do but I just didn't feel like doing them.  I began to notice my energy no longer moved out in front of me.  In fact, it seemed as if it were collapsing inward.  I noticed how it actually felt better if I moved my energy out into simple activities without any attachment to outcome or achievement.  I began to wonder if health was the positive movement of energy that sources from within outward into our immediate surroundings.

Richard had recently expressed the valence of our two energies coming together in the context of a Venn diagram.  Where our individual energies overlapped there were at times harmony and at other times discord.  If we think of ourselves as energy beings and how we run our energy we might be able to gain more objective insight into our lives.

In that place where we rest on the plateau and the energy seems neutral, we might just find our zone of genius.

Moving Toward Healing

Thinking back on the challenges we all face in separating from our mothers and the subtle, pre-verbal emotional debris that lodges in our second chakra I began to wonder about what might be better stored at that level.

As the answers started to reveal themselves, I found myself hoping that it would also serve as an opportunity for deeper, multi-generational healing that can impact our children and their children in ways that continue to further healthier ways of living in the world.

First the easy answers...

1. We are both loved and lovable.
- Can you think of even one person who loves you? Sit for just a moment and think about this. What is your experience like of being loved? Shift to feeling loved and let go of all your thoughts. Allow the feelings of being loved flow through you.

- Next shift your attention to your body. What does your body feel when it is lovable? Allow the love to permeate through your body? Can you drop down into the depth of your true self...the self that is pure and whole? Can you let yourself feel the Self that is totally and completely lovable? It is not about what you do...only who you are. This is your state of being. Your lovable self.

2. Our minds are filled with things we say to ourselves. Most of the time we're so used to these things we don't even realize they are there. The next time you notice you're feeling ill at ease or a little off take a moment and listen to your thoughts. Do they begin with things like..."I'll never..." or "How can I ever..." or "I hate....". These are the thoughts that drain our good feelings away from our experience in the present moment. Enough of these and we affect our biology...our immune system, our endocrine system, our digestive system. Eventually the chemical changes in our biology affect the actual structure of our cells...we age at a rapid rate, we are prone to infections or allergies, we become exhausted and cannot tolerate certain aspects of our diet.

When you begin to notice these thoughts and feelings, stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Let go of any thought that's been running around in your mind and notice the physical surroundings in your immediate environment. Cultivate feelings of appreciation and love. Challenge the thought you've been having. I use a simple 3-step process. It goes like this...

- Notice the negative thought
- Challenge it. Is it 100% accurate and real? Is it the only truth?
- When you find that it's not, as you certainly will, restate the deeper truth.
- And one bonus step...write the new truth as a positive affirmation.

Let me give you an example:
- Why can't I ever be on time?
- Wait! I'm on time a lot of the time. It's just this time that I'm running late. (And even if I'm often late, I know I'm not ALWAYS late).
- I am really only late some of the time and it's usually for things I don't really want to do. Or because I was engaged in something I didn't want to leave.
- I love and appreciate that a deeper part of myself knows what I love and what I don't. I commit to living from my deeper truth and organizing my life around it.

Simple...right?

Next the more difficult part...

- How do we impact the next generations?

It is often easier to do the work I've covered in private...in our own journal or our private time. However, the outward impact of taking this to our loved ones is profound!

A ratio of 5:1 of acknowledgments to criticisms is necessary to impact another. What are we usually filling our conversations with when we speak to our loved ones. Recently I have taken the opportunity to sit with my son in the evening and take turns doing this with each other.

It's harder than you might think.

But by the time we get to the 4th and 5th compliments I can literally see the happiness on his face and I can feel it inside myself. It establishes a flow so profound that our children want to jump right into us and warm up to the motherly love they once felt as babies. I have seen it first hand. He will lean over and give me a hug and say "I love you so much, Mom!" It makes a world of difference after an evening of prodding, or worse, to get homework done for the next day.

Ask yourself these questions:

What do you see in your child?

What do you appreciate in your child?

What do you admire in your child?

Then, share it with them.

Have a wonderful day!

Answers...

Knowing what we know now should allow us to grow serene and wise into our old age. Yes as I indicated in the previous articles, not everyone chooses to follow that path.

As we grow from childhood, the primary move away from dependence requires us to separate from our mothers. In doing that we form a sense of our individual-ness. We learn where our body ends and another's starts. Although the separation from the mother can be stressful, for the most part we navigate it with little recall of the challenges.

From there we embrace the aspects of our culture that help us feel as if we are full members engaged in the normal stream of life.

But as we reach adulthood and move into our middle years, we begin to sense in some sort of quiet way that the journey has an ending and for some of us it will come unexpectedly. That separation we navigated so long ago from dependence to independence has undoubtedly left an imprint of the terrors and struggles we met with in that journey. Those emotional memories are stored in our second chakra.

The chakra system came out of a Hindu system of anatomy that maps the subtle body. It is composed of 7 primary chakras. Each chakra intersects with different physical and non-physical aspects of our being.

The first chakra is located at the base of the spine and is often known as the root chakra. It is responsible for survival of our being.

The second chakra is located at the level of the sacrum and pubic bone and is known as the sacral chakra. It governs our emotions and the unconscious.

The third chakra is the solar plexus and is located at the level of our naval. It is involved with digestion and our ability to move powerfully in our world.

The fourth chakra is the heart chakra and is associated with love and selfless compassion. It is the bridge between the lower three chakras and the higher three chakras.

For the purpose of this article (to answer the questions raised in the previous two posts) the healing of the second chakra will be further explained as it relates to healing our ability to transcend the fears that arise at the juncture of the second half of life which vibrate the feelings of separation we faced as children.

When awareness of our survival begins to surface somewhere in the middle of life, the root chakra begins to vibrate. As the vibration escalates, as it surely will since we not well equipped to alter our life passage, it stimulates the subtle energies of the 2nd chakra. When the second chakra is stimulated the emotions stored in the unconscious are stirred up and begin to manifest.

Most of the time we feel a sense of low grade anxiety, melancholy or irritability. In some cases the emotions border on panic attacks, depression and bouts of anger or rage. The most common treatment for these symptoms in the West is the use of medication. Depression and anxiety often go together in the elderly. Instead of treating the symptoms perhaps we can understand why they occur and seek to transcend them instead.

The following is a model I discovered in working with my own arising emotions. I call it The Three A's. They stand for Attitude, Acceptance, and Appreciation.

In beginning to heal these arising emotions we first have to become aware of them. Becoming aware of them can include naming the emotion, understanding how it makes you feel, locating where it is most strongly felt in the body, or simply having a sense of what is trying to surface. I call the the Attitude.

Once we are aware of the Attitude we must work on giving it the full space it requires to fully express. This does not mean that we collapse into the feeling with outward behavior. What it does mean is that we find a place where we can retreat from the outside world and sit or rest in quiet and cultivate silence. In that silence we give ourselves permission to feel the emotion and to give it the freedom to move through us fully. We move with it in a state of Acceptance.

When we are able to do this every day for a few moments we are ready to move on to the third stage of Appreciation. Appreciation does not usually come quickly or automatically but with the steady practice of Acceptance, Appreciation will eventually come. And when it does, we will find that our anxiety and depression transform and release an energy that frees us to enjoy the remainder of our lives and to recapture that most vital aspect, our joi de verve, for the second half of our lives.

More Questions...

In my last article, I began with a statement of how hard I was, as a child, to put down. The article morphed until I was in the midst of another topic that is close to me heart - healing. And, I think, as this article goes on, you may come to see that there is a relationship with the entry statement in the last blog and the end result of healing through the chakras. So, reader, if you will, bear with me...

As a child, my memory of those weekend nights at the Hoffman's were of parents talking, playing Euchre, and enjoying each other's company late into the night. With the exception of the isolated event where I was terrorized, my memory of these times is of fun and laughter.

Late in the evening the other kids would eventually wear themselves out, curl up in a corner or on a couch, and fall asleep. That I, on the other hand, would still be running around, full of life and energy and fun, still baffles me. It is one of the stories that has always made me feel different. One of the stories that has made me wonder why I was noticeably unlike the others.

I have always been fun-loving, cheerful, a good sport...yet deep inside there was something else that lurked beyond the eyes of the others. The face that I carry in the world is strong and true. But, the energy that lays beneath feels powerfully strong as well.

At one point in life, it seemed that life had sent me too many losses...enough to make me wonder if I had the energy to go on. Still, the smile rose to my face and I met the outside world with the grace of a ballerina at the top of her career. Subtly, inside, things were shifting.

Fears and losses seem to conspire to cause a deep, unsettled load of grief. Somewhere in the middle of life, people seem to face a shift in perspective. They begin to realize the pain and loss of the past and wonder about the remaining years they have to accomplish whatever they might have thought life was supposed to bring.

Having worked for years in hospitals and with sick or dying people, I've seen two kinds of people...those who manage to navigate the awakening reality of a finite life on this earth...and those who become bitter and ask 'Why me?'
I would put forth the idea that either of these types of people still face a choice point when they arrive at midlife with this awakening. And the choice is simply this: which path will they take for what remains of their time on the planet?

For those who live in the finite world of a concrete, tangible reality there may be little left to enjoy. But for those who look deeper inside there just may be a wisdom that can be tapped that will lead them into the second half of life with a joi de verve.

Looking back, it becomes possible to tease out the threads of a deeper undercurrent that was running through our lives from the earliest memories. Despite the losses and fears that may have marked our journey, we can begin to find the path that has undergirded our steps along the way.

And, for some of us, like myself, that path has been sourced by an energy current laden with gifts that were double edged swords. Gifts of intense sensitivity to the feeling and emotional realm...gifts of sensory awareness that was greater than our peers...gifts that may or may not have been understood by our families and friends.
In my journey through life, I came face to face with an entirely new world when I reached my 30's...it wasn't mid-life, yet, but it was the threshold of mid-life...and it brought me through a doorway I had no conscious idea existed.

As I became more aware of the underlying wounds that had been sustained during a full and incredible life, I struggled with my purpose and my gifts, of which I had felt certain, when I was coming of age.

Those struggles took me first on a journey toward the deep investigation of each and every event...every wound. What I found was incredible. The more I studied the wounds the more there were. Ultimately it dawned on me that if I continued I could spend the rest of my life dealing with the pain and sadness of my life. Ugh!

About that time, I happened across a focus in my work that gave me an entirely different direction to explore...that of healing and ultimately healing systems in other cultures.

As I mentioned in the last blog post, I recently ran across material on the chakras again. And in my time of struggle was, once again reminded that there is a way of focusing away from the wounding and into the higher realms of our being.

It is these levels of reality that I will take us to next, dear reader. And if, this seems to have delayed what was promised in my last post, I ask your acceptance of my apology. In bringing all the pieces of this journey together I see it has required this segue from my life experiences through the transition in understanding to reach the outcome of an ancient Indian system.

............to be continued

Questions...

When I was a child, so the story goes, I was hard to put down.

On weekends my family would spend a Friday or Saturday evening at The Hoffman's...family friends of my parents from when they were younger. The adults would play cards, laugh and carry on conversation around their kitchen table while the kids did any number of kid-things...like watching TV, playing with Lincoln Logs, and running around outside playing tag or hide 'n seek. On one occasion I even remember watching their cat have a litter of kittens.

For the most part it was a grand time...childhood fun...though I do remember a slightly darker incident. We had been running through the house...for who-knows-what reason...laughing and chasing each other. As memory serves, we were running down the hallway toward the master bedroom when suddenly one of the older kids pushed me into the basement stairway, turned out the lights and slammed the door shut yelling "The boogie man's gonna get you!" The others, in childlike glee, threw their bodies against the door preventing me from getting out.

I was terrified...I remember crying and hollering 'let me out'...pounding on the door and eventually begging, in tears to 'open the door.' I was in shambles when they finally let me out and remember feeling embarrassed that I had been so scared. There were four of them in all...three Hoffman kids (two older than me) and my younger sister. I don't remember if they were all a part of this.

As I write of this incident, the fear and terror of a young girl trapped in the dark floods back. And, I wonder, do these things that scare us as children leave residual scars? And if they do, how do we move past them and truly resolve the emotional trauma?

When I first wrote this article I was stuck in the turmoil of the feeling world. You know, that place where feeling moody and emotional weighs us down for the better part of a day or more. Since then I have moved to a deeper and more spiritual place. Returning to the wisdom of Hindu chakras has allowed me to move beyond the emotional self by understanding the 2nd chakra that governs these emotional wounds. In my next post I will take a deeper look at the chakras and how they helped me transcend these wounds.