How much we learn over time! In my 50+ years I have often wondered about relationship compatibility.
I can remember during the early dating years of my 20's hearing the much-bantered term "compatibility". What was that, really? I wondered. It was a question that would stay with me to this day. For years I accumulated information that eventually formulated a better understanding of it.
My latest foray into the adventure of relationships has once again added to my evolving understanding of compatibility. It has been my observation that compatibility occurs on multiple levels. Today I'd like to suggest that these levels can be understood as physical, mental, emotional and sexual/spiritual.
It is my premise, that if compatibility is too far off in any one level the relationship is destined for pain and heartache and certain struggle.
Wikipedia defines Interpersonal Compatibility as follows:
Interpersonal compatibility is a concept that describes the long-term interaction between two or more individuals in terms of the ease and comfort of communication.
The article takes a deeper look at components of psychological theory but for the purposes of this article I will keep the ideas as simple as possible.
I have found that physical compatibility begins with a physical attraction. When I first started dating again, in my 40's I had to confront a ridiculous idea that accepting my physical preferences in potential mates was somehow shallow.
Since I ventured into the world of online dating, I had to admit that no one would even know if I looked simply for what was physically pleasing to me. It didn't take long to realize that physical attraction wasn't shallow. It was simple one part of determining compatibility and the longterm potential for happiness.
Another aspect that increases the likelihood of happiness is a similarity in mental ability. Now, I have learned that mental compatibility includes a vast number of components. It includes innate intelligence, common sense, communication skills, and what I've been told is called "lag time".
Lag time is the time it takes between a verbal comment and a response. Of course, I'd never have learned about it if I hadn't been in a longterm relationship where the difference in the speed at which we each processed information hadn't been so obvious. Being the one on the speedier side of the equation, I found myself often thinking "spit it out!" Obviously not very conducive to warm and loving feelings between partners.
I've also learned that, although I have a huge heart with the ability to find the good in most, equal levels of innate intelligence and common sense can be critical factors in compatibility, too. And, they are not the same. Some people are highly intelligent, some have a high degree of common sense, and some have both. Figuring out where you fit and how well matched you are with your potential mate is something to look at closely.
Perhaps an easier trait to examine, or perhaps one more commonly addressed is the social aspect of people. Most people are aware of whether they recharge their batteries by being around people or in quiet, more solitary activities. If you're interested in looking at introversion and extroversion tendencies, I would suggest the Myers-Briggs Trait Inventory...of course, that appeals to my level of mental stimulation which may not suit you at all!
SEXUAL/SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY
For many, many people the first four aspects I've covered are enough to determine compatibility but I would venture to include one more for your consideration. This is one that I call sexual/spiritual. Now I understand that for some of you, linking these two together may give you pause. For others of you it may stop you dead in your tracks. But from my perspective, as a holistic nurse who is used to dealing with the very nature of our biology and its intimate link to the unseen world beyond this one, I find them quite related.
Of course, I'm not talking about religion or religious beliefs here and if you haven't separated them from spirituality I would encourage you to invest some time there first. What I am talking about is the energetic connection between our sexual-biological urges and the creative impulse.
The areas of interest for me evolved from years of spiritual exploration and practice. For those of you who are unfamiliar with my background, I was raised Catholic...yes the whole parochial school thing for eight years...and have spent much of my life exploring eastern and western spiritual teachings, yoga and meditation. In the late 80's I had a life altering spiritual awakening which catapulted me into the world of holistic nursing. 
My nursing practice trained me to recognize human response patterns and to see health challenges as signs of expanding consciousness and I soon began to realize just how much we didn't know about the deeper spiritual nature of our selves. That said, sexual and spiritual compatibility are topics that can be better addressed in further posts. Suffice it to say that everything from the way we approach sexuality to the depth of our own spiritual consciousness affect our compatibility in relationships.
For those of you who noticed I moved from mental to social compatibility, skipping right over the emotional, you might find it interesting to know I was surprised to reach the end of my article and find I hadn't addressed the most recent insight I've learned.
The emotional makeup of people is likely as varied as any characteristic. Given that many people are averse to dealing with emotions it makes sense that this area of compatibility can cause the most confusion and wreak the most havoc on relationships.
Okay, so now you have a feel for my sense of humor and hence, my emotional preference. Finding an emotionally compatible mate has never been easy for me. First of all, most men are taught to bury their feelings from the time they are wee little. Secondly, their ability to understand, yet alone navigate or, even more unlikely, be able to comprehend a partner's emotional motivation is less likely. And in the rarer scenario, where a male partner has the awareness and ability to synthesize this amorphous territory, there conclusion may or may not support your higher evolution.
The toughest part of the emotional journey is that intimate relationships tend to strip away our defensive covering and lay our hearts bare, exposing our softest, gentlest most sensitive underbelly and hearts.
Seeking out compatible relationships is not for the faint of heart.Interestingly, the Wikipedia article mentioned above has brought to my attention yet one other factor related to emotional compatibility. That of the nature of 'complementary' behaviors that fall into two dimensions....specifically the submissive/dominance dimension and the hostile/friendly dimension or warmth. Basically, the idea is that each behavior invites a certain response from the other. The behavior and response are said to be complementary.
The surprising thing is that friendly behavior begets friendly behavior but dominant behavior begets submissive behavior. Now, I don't know about you, but I am both trained and sensitive to natural laws and find it much more comfortable to respond in a complementary fashion.
The problem is that I am drawn to more dominant men but have lived the bulk of my life in a dominant role. Always a teacher never a graduate? It will take a unique man to be a compatible match for me.
People tell me it will happen when I least expect it...well, that could be any time now because when compatibility is too far off in any one level....well, let's just say I'm not sure I can expect emotional compatibility to happen in my lifetime without pain and heartache and certain struggle.
In the mean time I will continue to value the journey and social adventure of relationships and hold tight to my belief in this quote from the Tao Te Ching:
When opposites no longer damage each other, both are benefited through the attainment of Tao...
Therefore, the wise identifies opposites as one, and sets an example for the world. --- Tao Te Ching
